Pages of my life :

Who am I?

After 18 years of my life ,I realize I never had time for myself…for my soul…I never helped myself out in things…I never tried to understand myself…what I was,what I wanted or particularly what were my problems,my fears,my needs,my desires!

I always kept on running after people… to help me,to be with me,I never understood this fact that no one out there is yours…I made friends and then when thay betrayed me ,I used to go on blaming them like kids…I never realized that they were never mine…it’s a selfish lot out there…no one really cares what you are!

Your presence won’t make any difference to the world… Its only you to whom your presence really matters!

Sometimes in life we make certain mistakes that haunt us till we die,even though we know that the one above has forgiven us but we are unable to erase the regretful moments,they tear you apart and you just want to cut those undesirable moments from life,but you cant ,this is the point where you become totally helpless and that’s when your frustration begins..first you try to run away from almost everyone..isolate yourself and then when your frustration level rises you try getting closer to the people around you,but its too late then!no one wants you now!no one really cares whether you choose to live or to die and people around, compel you to isolate yourself for the rest of your life,eternal pain,grieve,desolation is all you have then..your soul dies..you really want to end up your life then!

I regretted every moment of my life,I regretted every thought I ever had,I regretted every dream I ever saw,I regretted my presence..i started hating myself for everything I ever did in life and for everything others did to me.

And very soon I realized that I was being a pessimist, Just because I wasn’t able to overcome the feeling ,I was choosing to die rather then sorting out my problems,I was

having a bad approach towards life,I was ruining myself…I wanted to end up because I had a regrettable past?was I such a useless creature?when we don’t really know whom to hate..we start hating ourselves,that was what I was doing,I realized its only me who want to see myself happy,who really cares about my moods and my approach towards things,I was hating the inner me,the one who was meant to be loved..my soul who wanted my love..and what was I doing with it?hating it for no reason?why was I then expecting others to love me?then onwards I started loving my self,I stopped finding refuge in anyone’s company,I tried to find pleasure in my own company!

There is more to this world then people,love,friends..why should I even care for them?I had my own world and I was loving it.

At this stage of my life I admit that I was very wrong at everything and everywhere in my life.I wanted to be with those who didn’t care whether I am with them or not and I was trying to runaway from those who really loved me and cared for me!

My family, my parents, my siblings. I never tried to come closer to them, I never tried to be friends with them..I never tried to let them understand me! I never tried to tell them how much I love and care for them!

Yet they were always there for me..to wipe off my tears, to console me, to make me understand how things worked out.

They are the only valuable assets in my possession.

I wish I could tell them what they mean to me,

I don’t find words to show them my love for them,

I have always been so rude and harsh to them,

I always took their love for granted.

I am really ashamed of myself today!

I have learnt a lot from life yet there is a lot to be learned.

I wish I had the ability to erase my memories maybe then I would be able to lead a normal life.

I really want to change everything but I don’t have a clue how to?

Life is so messed up!

I don’t know where to start from..

But there is always a hopeful star,

And I hope everything will get better soon.